well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
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You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
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The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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