the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
