i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
