defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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