party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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