Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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