Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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