I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
