She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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