You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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