Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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