If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
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i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
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THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.