the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These tits shall not be calmed
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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