Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I need to calm my uterus...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
cake and sex. what better combination is there.