shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
