Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
