unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
