I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
