i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
