the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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