We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just pee around me
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
