Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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