I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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