You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
