Moan for me like Helen Keller
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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