He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
