K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
