too bad you live with your parents still
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
