my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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