sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
