M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
