woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
