About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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