I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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