I wish I could punch you in the face.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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