I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
