Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Randomize
