Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
