you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
