I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
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Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
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Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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