Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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