My brain says no but my pants say off.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
