I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
