You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
