why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
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