kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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