what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
