I got chris browned last night
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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