After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
you made out with another girl for some wings
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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