She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
