I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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