ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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