he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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