i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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