All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
