Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
