Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
