With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
