i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
