When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
