I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
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Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
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I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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