He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
